Rachel Cobleigh (reveilles) wrote,
Rachel Cobleigh

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underwear rant


I wore white grandma underwear until I was a senior in college. It had just never occurred to me before then to buy more interesting underwear. My mother and grandmother had always bought me those big white ones that turn gray when you're a college student and you don't have much extra time or money to be sorting your laundry so you wash it with your black socks and green shirt and blue jeans. They would get old, I would go to WalMart or whatever and buy 6 more pairs of grandma underwear.

Then one day when I was a senior, I noticed that my (freshman) roommate didn't have any grandma underwear and my world changed. The lacy little red things you see in Victoria's Secret ads aren't just for lingerie purposes. You could wear them without needing to have a boyfriend to justify it! Whoa.

I wasn't ready for the lacy little red things (the idea of having a string going up my butt crack--pardon the crudery--just wasn't very appealing), so I basically ended up buying 20 or so pairs (most from Victoria's Secret at the 5-for-$20 rate) in colors other than white and in styles other than big grandma briefs. They served me well for the next five years.

Five years is up, and most of their elastics have waved good-bye. I dislike having to pick wedgies in public; it's quite unflattering. Plus, I'm getting married soon. I don't want my soon-to-be husband looking at faded and stretched-out old underwear if I can help it.

So I decided to buy 10 pairs from Victoria's Secret online at the 5-for-$20 rate. I looked for the style that I'd liked the most in the previous five years, and I couldn't find it. (How am I supposed to know it's filed under "bikinis" and not "briefs"? I wasn't looking for swimwear! Grrrr...) I compromised and bought the style that looked the closest to what I'd wanted. I checked my current underwear size (L), and purchased 10. Perfect. That was a month ago.

I got the 10 larges in, wore two, sent them back to exchange for size M. Apparently, to accommodate the ever-growing American bum, they resized their underwear in the interim. Plus, I'd lost 8-10 lbs. since starting at the gym. OK. Two weeks ago, (thanks to the VS quick response!) I got the 10 replacement M's in. Perfect.

I wore two, they fit better than the L's, but they still rode up in annoying ways and didn't solve the unflattering wedgie-picking problem. Frustrated, I sent them all back for a refund. Still waiting for that.

So: after querying my sisters, girlfriends, and wedding dressmaker, I went to Frederick's of Hollywood, with glowing reviews. They didn't have any of the style I really had originally wanted. (Oy, I wish I knew what it was called: "string bikini"? I don't know. It's got a full bottom's worth of material with strong elastics so it doesn't usually ride up, a full patch of material in the front, and there is only the elastic band going over the hip bones.) Very comfortable; makes me feel sexy. Anyway, they didn't have those. Their whole store was basically just thongs and G-strings. I'm back to the sinking, trapped feeling of string-up-the-butt-not-desireable.

Well, my sister and that freshman roommate swore by them, so I decided to compromise and try their 5-for-$20 cotton thongs. jcobleigh helped me pick out 10.

I have stubbornly tried them for the last three days.

Day One: Immensely uncomfortable, can't pick wedgie because thong IS wedgie. Who would wear these things? Why did the woman at the Frederick's counter say that she wore these "all the time and they're comfortable"? Am I a freak with a hypersensitive bum, etc.?

Day Two: I WILL make this work! I have spent $40 on it already. It must get better soon. My sister said that you just have to get used to them. Ow. When I sit down in the car, it causes extremely painful wedgie. I must then awkwardly dig to remove it while also avoiding decapitation by automatic seat-belt thing in jcobleigh's car. Broke tailbone when I was 13 and it never fully recovered. Thong seems to press on just wrong point and it has a dull ache now. It must get better soon. Itchy and dry.

Day Three: Chafed. In pain. Awkward. Aware of thong nearly continually. Catch myself dreaming of non-thong underwear. Itchy and dry. In so much pain that topical medication is required. Resolution to stop wearing thong. Much annoyance and frustration at inability to find underwear that works. Wondering if crazy.

Day Four: Not wearing thong. Getting positive messages from subconscious. Underwear rides up as usual but does not chafe. Giving up quest until after return from honeymoon. Soon-to-be husband loves me anyway, but may be horrified by public announcement of underwear issues.

Does anyone have words of wisdom for me?


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