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snoopy, darcy

I am a battleground

This morning, while in the shower, I found myself remembering a dream that I had last night. In the dream, I was at my parents' house, and everyone around me was turning into gross, scary-looking parodies of my loved ones. Often in dreams, I consider my mother to be a safe haven of practical reality, care, and protection. When the dream turns even my mother into a threatening, bloody, ugly monster, it strikes at the core of my being and fills me with fear and despair. I have no one safe and powerful to run to.

I prayed not long ago that I would never forget God in my dreams, because I had been suffering for a while from bad dreams and thus nights that left me feeling exhausted and drained instead of relaxed and refreshed. I asked Him to remind me to call on Him, even in my dreams.

Last night was a particularly interesting spectre, and it revealed some insights about myself and about what influences me.

My mother had turned into an ugly, dying parody of herself, so I ran, chest tight and heart pounding, into my parents' bedroom to escape the house full of threatening, lost loved ones. I remember running up to a window in the room, shouting, "Jesus, Jesus! Help me! Jesus, help me!" and not seeing any miraculous rescues. I was used to calling on God and escaping the dream, but the hulking monster was still coming after me, I was still in the dream, and my chest was still hurting from the fear that was choking me.

As I looked out the window, I saw three male figures on the lawn in front me. I was still shouting, "Jesus, help me!" when I noticed the first one. I quickly recognized the Jesus-figure: he was bloody and mangled, like he had just limped down off his cross. He was facing me, but he looked powerless and beaten.

A movement on the right drew my eye to another figure. This one was an old man with a longish beard. He was wearing all white and silver in his robes. He was levitating a few feet off the ground with his hands drawn up to his chest and his palms placating heaven, and he was looking upwards. The strong impression of him was, "This is God the Father, but He is too holy and inaccessible to even be bothered with me."

There was a third figure sitting on the ground between them, his right heel underneath him and his left leg also folded, but relaxed out beside him. He was wearing a royal blue shift with a yellow cross on the front, and he was looking at the bloody, weary Jesus, in a kind of saddened, but unable-to-help sort of way. It took me a couple of seconds to figure out who he was. I remember thinking, "He must be the Holy Spirit!"

Another thought was, "Am I seeing their real selves, have I accessed the truth through being in the dream world? Are they really powerless icons?"

But then I thought, "Why are they three separate figures? Why are they contained in bodies? Why are they either uninterested or powerless to help me? Why am I separated from them?"

I didn't believe they were who they claimed to be. I remember turning away from the window and looking at the hulking figure that was my mother, and shouting, "God! Help me!"

I don't remember what happened after that, but I woke up refreshed this morning. :)

Where did that experience come from? I'm sure that it drew on my own doubts and fears about the reality of Christ, and thus all that He implies. The presentation was so well-constructed and the idea of finding special insight about God was so tempting that I entertained it for a moment. I don't think I can credit my subconscious with all of it--I felt like an idealogical battleground during that internal questioning.

Why do I remember this dream? I think, perhaps, I am not supposed to forget it...


Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God, because many false prophets are gone out into the world. Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God, and every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God. This is the spirit of the anti-christ, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world. Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. -- 1 John 4:1-4

Comments

Where did that experience come from? I'm sure that it drew on my own doubts and fears about the reality of Christ, and thus all that He implies. The presentation was so well-constructed and the idea of finding special insight about God was so tempting that I entertained it for a moment. I don't think I can credit my subconscious with all of it--I felt like an idealogical battleground during that internal questioning.

There might be insight, not insight about God, but perhaps in how you are (wrongly) seeing God? I know that one of the freeing things in that terrible time when I broke up with my oldest friend earlier this year was that I realized that I had (emotionally) been projecting my bad relationship with her into my view of God.

Do you have any thoughts on how I might be wrongly seeing God, from my story?
Well, from what you described: Are they really powerless icons?
Do you (unconsciously) think that they are powerless? Or, at least, that they wouldn't (bother to) help you in particular?
I know that I myself have a tendency to think that God thinks of me as a Problem Child, the type one sighs over and wishes one could put up for adoption...

The other perhaps noteworthy thing is that you called on Jesus first, and they appeared, and then you called on God, and the dream ended. But I'm not sure of the significance of that.

I felt reassured that I don't think of them as powerless icons when I rejected the idea in my dream, because I knew it wasn't true. Those images outside seemed to be to be a trick to get me to despair while in the dream. It almost felt like there was an attempt to convince me that God couldn't help. When I realized that that wasn't God, I called on the real, invisible, omnipresent God to save me...

I'm not sure of the Jesus/God significance, either. I'll trust Him at this point and not try to read too deep into it. Hm.

Thanks for your thoughtful responses...